Today

I just want to add this entry to serve as a reminder how today made some things very clear to me. I wish i can say that it's a eureka moment that i've finally figured out the cure for cancer but it's not... Today i realized how wrong i can be at how i perceive myself and how all attempts at confidence is futile. I can't shut off the part of me that  I will never agree with. I'm writing this down because i will never be brave enough to scream this out loud even though i should. And it just really breaks me that i'm not even strong enough to make the change or love myself enough to be brave. I wish i'm brave enough. I want to be so badly you have no idea. But doing something means acknowledging the presence of the problem and that right there makes it even more real. And admitting that it's real means i can never escape from it. So there.

On a lighter note this is also the first blog i've written on a tablet and it's really painful. That's also the reason why this entry is so short. I dare you to try and blog on your tablet without a physical keyboard. Painful. All the apostrophes are just painful. I dare you to freakin try.

I have a lot of feelings today.

Dear You

              I know you're scared, mortified even, on what lies ahead of you. My first reaction is to get frustrated at you, because you're wasting so much time but in a way, I can't blame you either. You've reach a place with no roads or signs leaving you without any idea on what to do or where to go next. I'm forgiving you for this time that you wasted on moping and feeling sad and useless because it's NEVER going to get you anywhere.

               I understand why but it doesn't mean I give you permission to be like this. Please snap out of this anytime soon and stop wasting time. You do this over and over, every freakin year and you get nowhere and then the cycle of being frustrated happens again. Stop feeling powerless and start taking control of what you want to achieve. You can do this, I know you very well. It will be difficult as hell but I have complete trust in you that you'd be able to see this through.

                Be thankful for what you have rather than focus on the things that you want to have. We can do this. I have complete faith in you. Please also have faith in yourself. It is never too late. Start being worthy of all the things you deserve. Now. I'll be here.

                Best of luck. I'll always be here.

Love,
Me

Just Because

I'm supposed to blog about whatever i want right?! i want to blog about you so bad but i really don't want to regret it either especially if you find out this is about you. the feelings in this entry won't and shouldn't represent what i feel about you ALL THE TIME. this is for this moment and i just need to say it out loud somewhere and blogging about it is my way of screaming it out of my system. well kind of (shouty capitals). but i really can't because i'm a wuss and i hate to admit it but i value how other people perceive me, well only those whose opinions really matter to me. if i don't care about you then your opinion is shit and i really don't care. but when i care, i mean it. like really mean it. because that's what i want from other people, so that's what i do. i live by the golden rule.. MOSTLY. i think.

But i really can't blog about you because you're always unpredictable and shit. and I know for a fact that everything is going to be ok after a week or two or whatever. and that should just give me time to actually not care. but i find myself still caring and then hating myself because i motherfucking care when i shouldn't. how is it possible that i can't blog about you and you make me hate myself without you knowing and even trying. i believe you know exactly how you make other people feel and yet you don't give a shit. or is it that you're only such a dickhead with me!? what is your damage heather (this is a quote from a movie you know)? and that being said is the main reason why i think i should blog about you. i just REALLY REALLY REALLY wish you'd tell me if you have a problem with me so i can stop hating myself and adjust if i'm going to talk to you or not or whatever. i just want to really not care but that's not who i am. and also because even though you're being an asshole i care about what you think. which aggravates me more. god. I AM WISHING I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE!! but i think i'm getting there, not caring i mean. because that's the easiest way out of this ridiculous problem. i just need to stop caring. your opinions just need to stop mattering to me. that shouldn't be hard yes? that's what she said.

i really can't blog about you because i don't want a reminder that it became so bad that i just HAD to blog about it because i don't want to talk about this out loud. i will regret if we ever talk about this IRL. because my mouth and mind doesn't have a filter and given the opportunity I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE EFF I WANT. but in that moment i'll be the one who'll be wrong because you have no idea that i'm hating myself because of you, that it's aggravating me and i'm rethinking my principles because YOU CLEARLY DON'T HAVE ANY. wow, typing this almost convinced me that your opinions really shouldn't matter at all. and i don't understand why it does have to matter in the first place but it just does. because if i'm successful in convincing myself that it doesn't, this blog wouldn't be here.

i really can't blog about you. even though i just did.

Unconditional Love

i'm going to regret this blog post after. in the coming years for sure. but i don't care. i don't usually care but at this moment i have this renewed passion for not caring and i want to say that unconditional love is bullshit. it's a whole lot of BS and we all know it. actually that's part of it's appeal and grandeur. right?! isn't it that unconditional love's "bullshittedness" the same thing that makes it a beautiful kind of love? because you love without any conditions at all. that's the appeal. when you're capable of loving unconditionally you don't ask for anything and nothing matters because you love someone that much. they say that a relationship needs to have this to work or function. not sure where i get this from but that's what i know at least so if i'm wrong i don't care!!! it's all bullshit because even though we're all capable thinking creatures we love unconditionally knowing that it's a whole lot of BS.

i think it has become an excuse for other people to take advantage of those capable of loving unconditionally that's why i call it bullshit. because guess what?! you're stupid enough to love unconditionally!! yes stupid! mostly because of the fine line of unconditional love and being taken for granted. i'm sure we are all capable of loving unconditionally and all that jazz but we are ALSO just human and we have limits. LIMITS! we are not perfect creatures and i don't care that loving unconditionally is geniune and beautiful and it's only real when you're not selfish and shit. well boo hoo i hope you get your happiness by sacrificing your life for nothing!! for giving everything so that you can gain ABSOFUCKINLUTELY NOTHING!!!! i don't get why this is ideal. or at the very least beautiful!!??! what do people who get unconditional love have more than those who give it? why is that the person doing something beautiful the one that should suffer?!?! can't it be automatic give and take?!? what are you doing karma?! were you sleeping when it's all happening to me?! and now i'm at the finish line of this bullshit and i've had enough of it!! i don't care, what do i gain when all is said and done?! when you've ignored all conditions of love and you're still the one unhappy? huh? what?!

i know nobody asked me to do this. and i have the choice to be on the other side of this argument in my head wherein i'm the one receiving this unconditional love and not the one giving it. but i suck it up and decided to be the bigger person and do what i'm supposed to do because that's my principle in life!! and it's supposed to be the right thing to do!!!!!!!!!!! and all. i get. is. bullshit. of course i didn't think this would happen when i started loving like that. why would i!??! i have no time to think of the consequences and yeah i've said it earlier that it's the right thing to do!!! there shouldn't be any consequences involving writing a blog post about bullshit!!! yes in short why is the world unfair!?!??!?! WHY!?!? also because i think i may just realized that i want to be on the receiving end of unconditional love. i'm not saying i'm NOT IN ONE NOW. i'm saying that i realized that i finally want to be selfish for once. i want it to be ok to be selfish. because i love myself that much and i want to be selfish and want what i want. and to absolutely refuse anything that makes me feel less of a person than what i am now. and to just feel that whatever it is i want to feel that i'm worth it. because i know i am. and i'm too selfish right now to acknowledge the fact that you're trying to make me feel i'm worth it. and i'm just too selfish to know. or i'm in a position wherein all i think about is myself. but we both know that's not true.

but i'm sorry because i want to be selfish. i might not have the chance again so i'm taking this chance now. and i officially admit that i no longer want to be a part of this unconditional love.

yeah yeah. it's a whole lot of BS  because i don't mean it. and i know you know that. if you don't, then i regret wasting my time on you. also, part of my not caring is proper punctuation.

I want to blog again!

I've always wanted a blog space that i won't get tired of easily. That goal however has been going on for soooo long that i realized no matter what happens i get tired of ANYTHING easily anyways. Place emphasis on the word anyTHING as i want to make it a point that it's mostly about things and that people are a different matter altogether. Well at least that's a different blog post. Anyways in an Elizabeth Banks' voice as Effie "Welcome! Welcome! to my nth version of a blog!"

Sheldon Cooper! big bang theory is love