Just Because

I'm supposed to blog about whatever i want right?! i want to blog about you so bad but i really don't want to regret it either especially if you find out this is about you. the feelings in this entry won't and shouldn't represent what i feel about you ALL THE TIME. this is for this moment and i just need to say it out loud somewhere and blogging about it is my way of screaming it out of my system. well kind of (shouty capitals). but i really can't because i'm a wuss and i hate to admit it but i value how other people perceive me, well only those whose opinions really matter to me. if i don't care about you then your opinion is shit and i really don't care. but when i care, i mean it. like really mean it. because that's what i want from other people, so that's what i do. i live by the golden rule.. MOSTLY. i think.

But i really can't blog about you because you're always unpredictable and shit. and I know for a fact that everything is going to be ok after a week or two or whatever. and that should just give me time to actually not care. but i find myself still caring and then hating myself because i motherfucking care when i shouldn't. how is it possible that i can't blog about you and you make me hate myself without you knowing and even trying. i believe you know exactly how you make other people feel and yet you don't give a shit. or is it that you're only such a dickhead with me!? what is your damage heather (this is a quote from a movie you know)? and that being said is the main reason why i think i should blog about you. i just REALLY REALLY REALLY wish you'd tell me if you have a problem with me so i can stop hating myself and adjust if i'm going to talk to you or not or whatever. i just want to really not care but that's not who i am. and also because even though you're being an asshole i care about what you think. which aggravates me more. god. I AM WISHING I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE!! but i think i'm getting there, not caring i mean. because that's the easiest way out of this ridiculous problem. i just need to stop caring. your opinions just need to stop mattering to me. that shouldn't be hard yes? that's what she said.

i really can't blog about you because i don't want a reminder that it became so bad that i just HAD to blog about it because i don't want to talk about this out loud. i will regret if we ever talk about this IRL. because my mouth and mind doesn't have a filter and given the opportunity I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE EFF I WANT. but in that moment i'll be the one who'll be wrong because you have no idea that i'm hating myself because of you, that it's aggravating me and i'm rethinking my principles because YOU CLEARLY DON'T HAVE ANY. wow, typing this almost convinced me that your opinions really shouldn't matter at all. and i don't understand why it does have to matter in the first place but it just does. because if i'm successful in convincing myself that it doesn't, this blog wouldn't be here.

i really can't blog about you. even though i just did.